What if...

I am a child of the 80’s. Sure I was born in ’77 but for all intents and purposes, I grew up in the 80’s and spent my teens in the 90’s. I listened to MC Hammer, wore balloons pants and vests, watched The Cosby Show, and hoped someday to drive a Viper.  I saw The Lion King in the movie theaters, and later watched it on VHS on a date no less.   I didn’t play sports and I wasn’t an academic all-star.  I was the kid who drifted somewhere in the middle never quite landing in one particular group.  I spent several years as the mop maid for the wrestling team and even tried to hang with the big dogs on the mat once or twice.  It was a place to belong.  I dated throughout the years.  Many who knew me would call me “boy crazy” and I guess maybe I was.  I graduated with honors in a class of over 400.  I left my home town to go away to school and graduated into the world in 2000.  

It’s easy to reminisce with things like Facebook.  As I began to find more and more people I knew from high school, I began to remember more and more of those days that I have left behind.  I went to my senior prom over 15 years ago and today, it seems like yesterday.  My class song was, “These are the days”, and they were…

Today, I am a mother of two.  I spend most of my days pouring juice, answering the never ending question of “why” and dealing with the ever elusive, “I’m bored”.  The days run together most of the time…the nights…well they are different.  My kids both still want “cuddle time” and they each still have a blankie.  I am still allowed to kiss and hug them as much as I want and some nights the board book favorites come out – Red hat, Green hat, Blue hat, opps!

And then…

Wait for it…

There is a hush over the house and every thought comes to mind.  Thoughts you were able to forget about with the busyness of the day.  Thoughts that landed like a fly and where off again, hardly being noticed.  Thoughts you wish would never take up residency but they have lived in your mind since you can’t remember when.  The ever famous, “what if” appears like a visitor that has over stayed his welcome.

What if…

Married/Single Again

Kevin is gone again this week. I have tried to keep my chin up, look on the bright side, see the silver lining, and just get through it and quite frankly - I just want to have a pity party.  My lot is not like many.  Some have loss their spouse to death while others have divorced.  My husband isn't deployed and I know that if all goes according to plan, he will arrive sometime Friday evening...


...and leave again Monday morning.


I get it. He has a good job. One that puts food on the table. One that pays all the bills and gives us a bit of extra to be able to plan a day at the water park or buy a special toy.  I get that if he could he would choose to be home. But today...none of that seems to matter. 


As my oldest comes out of her bedroom for the fourth time,(bedtime was over an hour ago) it takes all I have to hold back my tears. I don't want to do this alone. This isn't what I signed up for. I am awful at throwing a baseball and I can't make a single thing out of Legos.  I don't make stuffed animals dance nor would I ever dream of making their backsides into a poo blaster.


What makes it worse - tomorrow is my birthday. At my age, they come and go without much fanfare. No big party is needed or expected but a family dinner would be nice.  I will be lucky to hear from him by 8pm. 


I don't want a weekend husband. I don't want to be a single parent. I guess there is a lot we all don't want.  

The Perfect Frame

My husband and I have taken to watching Pawn Stars.  The show is yet another reality program and is based on a family owned pawn shop in Las Vegas.  Every episode focuses on about six different items that have been brought into the shop to be sold or pawned. We have seen people selling coins, guns, posters, toys and countless other interesting and unique items.  One thing that I have seen over and over is that an item brought in that has been framed is worth much more than a item that has not.  In fact, an item that is not framed is actually devalued.


The idea of a good frame isn't lost in the Rockwell home.  I love to pick out my favorite picture from the latest photo session and begin the hunt for the perfect frame.  The frame should never over power the picture.  It should always have just enough color and dimension to draw your eye away from all the other distractions in the environment and allow you to focus on just the picture.  


When I began writing this post, I was sitting in a hospital room visitors chair.  Like many hospital visits, this too was unplanned and full of anxiety and despair.  My thoughts took me in countless different directions.  I couldn't help but think about what my problems had been before I had arrived.  I honestly had been in an epic battle with the scale.  I was disappointed with my weight-loss progress and was trying to stop myself from diving into the fridge to ease my "sadness".  I had placed a frame around my day that allowed me to focus only on myself and a problem that has been heavily self-inflicted.


As the hospital events unfolded, I was reminded of how often we lose sight of those things that are important to us.  That day - I was reminded in the worst way possible...


My best friend of 15 years, the Godmother of my children, lost her precious little baby girl at just 20 weeks.  No price could be placed on the frame that was placed around her life that day and everyday to come.  


I bet if you look in the basement of your lives, you would find dozens of frames that have been  tossed aside.   That day I dug out an old frame of mine and I was reminded of the value it added to my life.  There are some things we can not change but the frame in which we use to look at them is for us to decide.


May the frame you choose today add value. 

An Unlikely Pair

Last weekend, me and family were guests at a graduation open house.  Rarely does a June past that we do not have at least one open house to attend.  The recent high school graduate was proudly sharing his plans for the future while guests dived into plates of delicious food and caught up with family and friends that they had not seen in some time.  To be honest - I had never met the graduate and had only met his dad and step-mother a hand full of times.  My husband, however, spends more time with the graduate's dad than he does with me.  They are office cube mates and over the years have grown into true friends.

Usually, I would find myself being quite uncomfortable in a situation such as this.  I am not real great in a group of people and I am markedly worse when the cheese stands alone.  But for some reason - this was different.  The kids ran off to play and my husband mingled around while I found a chair on the edge of the tent and just observed.  My curiosity had gotten the best of me and I was searching the crowd for the ex-wife. 

The relationship has always sparked my curiosity.  They live a short distance from one another and even the children from their new marriages are friends and attend the same school. 

As I refelected on my current relational troubles, I couldn't help but ask myself why a man and his ex-wife could share the same air while so many that I have loved and cared about have been absent for years.  Such an unlikely pair, a man and his ex-wife, hosting a party for their son.  I wonder if the graduate know just how lucky he is? 

"And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God also in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32

Easier said than done - but isn't everything?

Wait Loss

Today is day two on yet another attempt at weight loss.  I have never been what most would consider skinny.  I like to kid and say, "My bones are too big to fit in a skinny body!" But it's true...I come from big stock.  I also am really good at making very bad health choices.  Pepsi is my constant companion and sweets my daily visitor.  Today, I weigh more than ever before.  Sadly - even more than when I was 9 months pregnant.  

So - why try again now? 

This year, my husband and I will be celebrating 10 years of marriage.  In September of 2001, Kevin and I visited the beaches of beautiful Jamaica and it was there I wore the cutest little blue tie-dye bikini.  On my wedding day, I weighed in at just 119 lbs... the very least I have ever weighted in my adult body.  But it's more than the number and it's certainly not about revisiting that bikini...so what is it?  

It's about me. I don't like who I am.  It's time for a change.  I have to belive that the thought of me - counts.

Weight loss isn't easy.  This journey will take a life-time.  I know I will have good days and I will have bad days.  But the hardest thing about weight loss....is the wait...

Waiting

I am not much good at waiting. I really, quite frankly, hate waiting.

But in the waiting...

I hope to find more than what I am waiting for...

"I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

For those of you keeping track...today I weigh in at 193 lbs....

Edge of Tears

About four months ago, my husband and I decided to leave our church of nearly 15 years. It wasn't an easy decision and the pain often feels as though we left just yesterday.  I started attending the church when I was just 18 years old.  It was there that my then boyfriend proposed to me Easter morning, 2000.  It was there that we later wed and dedicated our two children.  It was there my children first learned about corporate worship and were we served with passion and love for Christ. 

Upon leaving, we quickly attended several new churches in hopes of finding a new home for our family.  I guess it should have been obvious, but trying to find a new church is like trying to date again.  Needless to say - our first few dates failed - miserably.

Today I have been on the edge of tears. I long for christian companionship. I miss the feeling you get after a really good date.

"For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them." Matthew 18:20

The search continues...

Too Busy?

Today's activities included a trip to the local orchard for strawberry picking.  We met some great friends at the patch and began the race to fill our buckets.  The kids ran up and down the aisles inventing games to play and occasionally picking a strawberry or two.  I had a great chat with a close friend and to top off the day we made our way to the playground. Within just a few moments, I found myself staring at the message stated clearly and quite frankly in front of me...

"God's Busy...Can I help you?"

It was a black t-shirt with white writing. And it wasn't a young snarky teenager but an expectant mother of a little two year old boy who served as the billboard. My first hope was that my children would be too busy to see the shirt and to my joy they didn't.

But I did...

And it was there I found my thought that counts...

It isn't my God who is to busy...but me...

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Hebrews 13:8